Sometimes God Takes Your Fruit. (short fiction)
July 7, 2009
I just wanted some pears.
It was just going to be a trip down to the local co-op, and I was going to buy some pears, peel off strips of it with my pocket knife and eat it, like you do with pears. It’s Sunday, so traffic’s light. The intersection over here’s murder during the weekdays and peak weekend days and hours, so Sunday’s the best day to get pretty much anything done. It’s all good.
Or it would be all good, but I’m a little drunk right now. It just so happens that pears go great with white wine. So sue me. I missed church so I could sit and drink, so you should be proud of me, since you’re likely one of those trendy atheists that reads short stories. Right?
Anyway.
So I’m walking up, past people that are looking at me like, “Look at this drunk motherfucker…” — for which I can’t blame them, truth told, but a guy just wants pears, judgment-free and pleasurable pears, pears that, under the eyes of god and everyone else, while covered in pesticides and filth, look up from their stems as if to say: “I am tasty. I am delicious. I am here to listen to your cries and your sadness and then you’ll eat me and our relationship will be over! You’ll ignore in your fruit bowl and I won’t mind! I will be here for you through thick and thin!” This is what I think when I look at a pear. I love them, and they love me back.
Anyway.
I walk into the co-op, and I retrieve my pears. I put four in one of those weird bags that you only see used for newspapers and fresh fruit — what IS that, anyway? — and I weigh it, like I always do, and go, “Motherfucker.” I do this because I know that I need one less, or it goes over the weight limit and the angry girl at the counter with the lovely, lovely thighs harasses me. Not in the way I’d like, mind, but she harasses me.
Anyway.
I take out a pear, I walk to the counter. She gives me the eye, but not in the way I’d like. More in a “I know you’re a dirty scumfuck” way, which is perfectly acceptable, because in this case, being a little tipsy, I am. I pay for my pears, and she tells me “You’re a dollar short.” I disagree. I am NOT a dollar short, you ugly bitch, and I realize I’m saying all of this out loud and running toward the door. I wasn’t so much running of conscious mind, as much as my legs decided “We have to go now,” and I agreed silently and without really agreeing. I hear something like a siren in my head, but I chalk that up to how much I want these delicious, judgement-free pears in my mouth.
That siren just happened to be a fire truck coming across the intersection there. It blew its horn at me, scared me half to death. I drop my pears — my beautiful pears!!! — and my left arm gets numb like it does when I’m quite scared. Then my head hurt because someone punched me in the head.
“That was my girlfriend you called an ugly bitch, you dirty fuck.”
I’m a dirty SCUMFUCK, thank you — and then he punches me again.
Anyway. As a delightful coda to all this, through my headache and my walk of shame back home, through the intersection of great joy, I could hear the church bells making their clockwork noise, as if God Himself was saying to me, “I KNOW YOU GO TO CHURCH TO BE IRONIC AND YOU HAD NO SHAME ABOUT SKIPPING TODAY SO I TRIED TO HIT YOU WITH A TRUCK AND I TOOK YOUR PEARS AND HURT YOUR HEAD HA HA!” God’s known to do that.
Well, at least I didn’t get hit by the truck, right? I’d feel better about that if I had pears. Delicious pears!
So, yes, if you’ve been following my Social Calendar (which I know Steve has– thanks, Steve!), you’d know that the Seth / Tomine event at Quimby’s in Chicago has passed, as has, just recently, Metric’s show at the Metro. Both events were excellent for different reasons, and I will post full reports in due time, as well as a Halfway Point Photo Dump, with pics of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Seth & Tomine, and Metric.
It’s been rainy as hell here in Chicago. I think the weather out here is trying to make me ready for the weather in Seattle, since I’m no fan of rain. Guess I’ll get used to it, right? Sink or swim.
Anyway. Updated social calendar.
06.19.09 — anniversidoodle.
06.29.09 — a happy event.
07.02.09 — Explosions in the Sky @ Congress theater (with Anne & Steve)
07.07.09 — Asterios Polyp by Mazzucchelli.
07.14.09 — Conor Oberst & the Mystic Valley Band @ the Metro, which I’ll confirm. Before that, I’ll be reading The Double Life is Twice as Good by Jonathan Ames.
07.18.09 — The National and various other bands @ Pitchfork Festival, with Anne and Steve.
08.04.09 — Inherent Vice by Thomas Pynchon. Seems like this one might be accessible.
08.06.09 – 08.09.09 — Wizard World Chicago, where you should come buy reasonably priced preview books from me, and reasonably priced art from my co-conspirators.
08.25.09 — Modest Mouse @ the Scareagon Brawlroom, providing I can get tickets. Second time’s the charm, right?
09.19.09 — the wonderful and glamorous Windy City Comicon.
09.26.09 — Hello, Seattle.
10.01.09 — The Wild Things by Dave Eggers.
10.14.09 — All and Sundry by Paul Hornschemeier. First book I will buy in Seattle, if I can find it. Scratch that, I’ll just have my current store / workplace mail it over.
10.16.09 — Where the Motherfucking Wild Things Are, in theaters. Only film this year that I will be seeing on opening day, and the first film I’ll be seeing in Seattle.
10.20.09 — Look at the Birdie by Kurt Vonnegut. Another dead hero.
10.27.09 — The Mutineer by Hunter S. Thompson. Another dead hero.
I find it funny that a lot of these things are events that will allow me to remain anti-social (or hermetic, as one called me) for a few hours or so, since that seems to be my unwitting, J.D. Salinger / Thomas Pynchon-esque M.O.
Ah, well. At least I know what I like, right?
The Updated Social Schedule.
June 6, 2009
06.10.09 — Seth & Adrian Tomine @ Quimby’s.
06.14.09 — Metric @ the Metro.
06.19.09 — Super-happy anniversithingy.
06.29.09 — Another happy day.
07.02.09 — Explosions in the Sky @ the sky…er, Congress Theater.
07.07.09 — Asterios Polyp by David Mazzucchelli hits stores. Yes, this is an event.
07.14.09 — Conor Oberst & the Mystic Valley Band @ the Metro. Given the quality of their album, a maybe. But I’ll definitely be buying THE DOUBLE LIFE IS TWICE AS GOOD by Jonathan Ames.
07.18.09 — The National and many other bands at the Pitchfork Music Festival in Union Park.
08.06.09 – 08.09.09 — Wizard World Chicago.
09.19.09 — Windy City Comicon.
09.26.09 — Hello, Seattle.
From there, who’s to say?
Witt Goes to Live Music vol. 1: The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
May 27, 2009
Band: THE YEAH YEAH YEAHS, openers GRAND OLE PARTY and SOME REGRETFULLY UNTALENTED GUY.
Venue: The ARAGON BALLROOM in CHICAGO.
Verdict: FUCKING AWESOME.
Really. I didn’t expect a whole lot coming into it, to be honest. I really like the band, and I have for a long time, but I expected the crowd to be relatively assholish (which, I must admit, will ruin a day for me) and didn’t know what to expect from the venue.
When I walked in, the people seemed pretty assholish. The venue looked amazing, and was already getting to the point of packed ear-to-ear. So, I was feeling a little claustrophobic. There was a dude with a yarmulke. There was tons of manscara and guyliner. There were skinny jeans and hair dye. I was out of place in my Red Lantern t-shirt and pants that fit.
From there, the show started.
The first opener, David something, played very downbeat Misfits covers.
Now, I’m not one to heckle. I’m not. I think it’s fucking evil.
But, yeah, I was cheering when he decided he was done.
From there, actual openers Grand Ole Party, from San Diego, took the stage. A trio with a badass chica drummer vocalist. Fucking incredible sound, great pace, awesome orange lighting (and I hate orange normally!), and one movemental crowd. Pretty excellent altogether.
After that, big long wait. A few of the hair dyed / guylinered ladies and guys and I decided on names for the roadie crew before the band took the stage. The one chick was Tom. They had a dude we named Johan. There was a Gregg. They were quite unremarkable other than how horrifying-looking they were.
So, the Yeahs take the stage, after a fashion and a outpouring of sweat by the crowd. With great enthusiasm, Karen O got the crowd riled up, and the rest of the night is lost in screams, cheers, trampling, stomping, confetti, and weird outfits.
I think I heard every song I could’ve asked for. The energy was second to none, between the band and the crowd. Just absolute perfect sweaty synergy from everyone in the packed-to-capacity Aragon Ballroom. Excellent pacing between down-tone songs and their upbeat ‘get up and move your ass’ tracks. After twelve (!) tracks, they came back for a three song encore, rounding us out at 15 tracks and an hour and a half of play. Not too shabby, I have to say.
Setlist is as follows:
Runaway
Black Tongue
Human Fly (Cramps cover)
Man
Dull Life
Gold Lion
Cheated Hearts
Skeletons
Soft Shock
Honeybear
Zero
Maps
Y Control
ENCORE
Heads Will Roll
Art Star
Date with the Night
I really can’t think of much else to say about it. The band’s an incredible sight to see. Their drummer, whom I’ve always believed to be one of the coolest guys in music, subtly urges the crowd on, pushed way in the back. Their guitarist is pretty much Unremarkable Emo Guy with Hoodie and Guitar #87. And Karen O, with her microphone-cord masturbation, water-spitting, confetti blasting, mic-deep-throating ways, simply defies expectation. Bitch can dance, though.
Anyway. If you like them, see them. Love them. And when the last track hits, fucking DUCK.
–adam!
Sums up my last week in several nutshells. An awesome set of ways to turn 20.
I’d talk more about it, but I’ve got stuff to read. Y’all be good.
–adam!
Hi, iPod Shuffle, iTunes — whoever else might be listening.
It’s been a pretty good three years with you. In these three years, you’ve pumped some good music into my head. And some bad music. Remember my taste when I got you in 2006? I don’t either. Let’s keep it that way.
You kept me sane during the Gamestop days, and you were there the very last day. Without you, I would’ve never been able to dance on that display to Frank Sinatra and NWA. Altogether, we’ve had some good times, you and I.
And baby, I know I haven’t been so kind to you over these years. You’ve been on every trip I’ve gone on; Arizona twice, Seattle three times, Pennsylvania once, countless trips to Chicago. You’ve been X-Rayed and thrown and knocked around by hot stewardesses and that one really ugly one that one time. You’ve been dropped down flights of stairs, I’ve tossed you against walls, across stores, across the country and back. And you deserved it.
But lately, I noticed you’re being a little bitch. Your tracks aren’t staying in order no matter how hard I try to make them. You don’t seem to like alternative media players, which sucks, because iTunes is so bad for my computer, and my computer and you used to be good friends. Now y’all fight every time I make you talk to each other.
So, I had to do something drastic. I mean, I know I’ve been violent with you physically, but I never fucked with your head. You’re fucking with my head. And that’s not cool.
I’m leaving you, Shuffle. I upgraded to a nice, shiny Nano that I got for less than you cost new. It’s got a display, it’s a shiny bright blue…it’s just sexier.
I’d say that I’d like to still be friends, but I’ll probably just hit you with a hammer.
–adam!
…is a rapidly-thinning hairline.
I will be grateful for this day.
May 4, 2009
I will be grateful for each day to come.
So, I found out that this old old old thing I wrote on the web was making money for me.
That’s all fine and dandy and good, but it wasn’t something I was particularly fond of; in fact, it was written when I was unemployed, broke, staving off debt for the first time in my life, and really really desperate for money.
Of course, it’s two years almost since I was unemployed, and I’m just now seeing return. Figures, doesn’t it?
Anyway, point here: looking over the hits for this thing, it might be the most read thing I’ve ever written. And it’s truly horrible, if I’m honest. But? I’m making a consistent stream of money for it.
It’s one of those Lowest Common Denominator things that the web community eats up. 68 reviews on Stumbleupon, 71 comments counting the deleted ones (the content moderators on the site actually got rid of a bunch for wishing death upon me and saying some truly mean things that made me laugh really really hard), 60-something I LIKE IT ratings — well over 100,000 views.
Isn’t that shit funny?
That was pretty much all I was getting at at the moment. Nothing particularly interesting going on, except the rapid filling of my Social Calendar (which is to say, it’s not very full at all…)
For your entertainment / unnecessary glimpsing into my life:
May 15th — birthday. Hoorah.
May 26th — the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at the Riviera Theater (providing I wake up and get tickets ASAP when they go on sale)
June 14th — Metric at the Metro. Tickets bought.
June 19th — anniversithingy with Anne. Two wondrous years.
June 29th — I won’t say, but it’s really a good thing.
July 2nd — Explosions in the Sky at the Congress Theater. Tickets bought.
July 18th — Pitchfork Festival, Saturday, starring the motherfucking National.
August 6 – 9 — Wizard World Chicago, starring the Awesome Block of Tables Featuring Talented People and Me.
For me, that’s a hell of a lot of stuff. I’m actually seeing more live music this year than I’ve seen in my entire life, which is quite cool.
This is not to mention all the badass books coming out between now and the last date listed there — which I’ll be doing a separate thing on.
Anyway. That’s a wrap. I need some sleep.
If you’re not a member over at http://www.projectfoxhole.com, you should be. ‘Kay?
–adam!
Sometimes, things just work out.
March 26, 2009
I have an overwhelming feeling of that today.
If anybody wants a good laugh, they should check out the comments section of the Southside Irish Parade post. Talk about proving my point for me. Speaking of, turns out this year will have been the last for the parade. To everybody that enjoyed it responsibly — I’m sorry to hear it. For everybody that took a shit in someone’s backyard? You had this coming.
Meanwhile, I highly recommend everybody go and get a copy of Steve Martin’s novella THE PLEASURE OF MY COMPANY. It’s pretty amazing. Finished it last night and I was stunned.
Anyway. More interesting things to come throughout the week, hopefully.
–adam!
